February 8th: Wednesday night we lost our unborn baby girl Indira Usha Earl. The following day my amazing wife gave birth to her after 35 weeks of pregnancy. I have never been more sad, scared, heartbroken, or worried. On the flip side, I have never been more proud, grateful, or in love. Neena was so strong through delivery and I am in awe of her and the grace with which she has handled this. We have felt so loved and supported by all of you and are grateful for your thoughts and prayers. We are grateful for our faith and the comfort it brings. We are thankful for the time we had with her and look forward to seeing her again in the next life.
Again, Neena and I want to thank all of you for your love and support, it has made all the difference for us and our families. This has been the most awful and beautiful experience of our lives.
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| A forever family. |
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| Perfect little hands. |
From Neena: That little hand on her daddy's fingers is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. So grateful that he is the father of my little #indirausha. While we were in the hospital for that short time with Indira, I caught him staring at her with wonder in his eyes several times. Never have I witnessed a father look on his child with so much love than I did in those moments. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life to go through this trial with. Happy Father's Day Andy. I love you.
From Andy: Motherhood, I suspect, is never what it is expected to be. We all paint pictures of what we want our lives to look like, but they rarely turn out that way. There are those mothers that face a different kind of hardship. Different than sleepless nights with their children, helping with homework, or worrying and taking care of them. I'm talking about those that might not feel like they are mothers. Those that aren't able to have children and those that lose children.
In these types of trying circumstances I believe those women deserve a special place in the motherhood, that elite club of women who have suffered for the sake of children. Just because you suffer differently doesn't invalidate your motherhood. Just because your child isn't here doesn't mean your membership is revoked. You, who ache to have a child or hold your baby one more time, deserve our reverence. Today is for you. All of you.
Neena, I love you and am so proud of you. Watching you mother our #indirausha was and is the most beautiful experience of my life. Happy Mother's Day.
March 28th: Getting out on snow hasn't happened much over the past couple months. The few times I have been out have been one of the more therapeutic things for me. Getting into a rhythm and forgetting about everything except your breathing makes it the perfect escape. If I need to, I can also talk about Indi with friends or just walk and think.
I recently read an amazing blog post by Steph Davis about the passing of Sean Leary. When Steph lost her husband, Sean knew how to help her through it because he had lost his wife. Grief is an interesting ride and since we lost Indira there has been a hole in our hearts. Sean described it for Steph perfectly:
"Right now your grief is this giant gaping hole with sharp edges but as you move forward in life the edges soften and other beautiful things start to grow around it. Flowers and trees of experiences. The hole never goes away, but it becomes gentler and sort of a garden in your soul, a place you can visit when you want to be near your love."
Some days it feels like those edges are softening and on other days they sharpen themselves back up. Having Indira was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Still, there are days where I am angry, sad and depressed but visiting her memory is always worth it. Even though it is accompanied by so many raw feelings, the overwhelming one is love.
I don't really enjoy sharing my feelings, but I have learned through this process that sharing your grief lightens the load and helps people understand loss. It also gives people the ability to relate in some way to those who have gone through something terrible.
So there it is.
(I stole these beautiful posts from their Facebook posts.) This experience has definitely changed how I see other babies. I was in an elevator the next week just looking at a baby in a carrier and started crying. Nowadays I see babies that would be Indi's age and that little whole that she left in my heart when she took a piece of it with her aches with her absence. Especially little girls with brown eyes and dark hair. That's what I picture her to be like. It's getting better the more time that passes, but there are moments still where the grief consumes me.
March 28th: Getting out on snow hasn't happened much over the past couple months. The few times I have been out have been one of the more therapeutic things for me. Getting into a rhythm and forgetting about everything except your breathing makes it the perfect escape. If I need to, I can also talk about Indi with friends or just walk and think.
I recently read an amazing blog post by Steph Davis about the passing of Sean Leary. When Steph lost her husband, Sean knew how to help her through it because he had lost his wife. Grief is an interesting ride and since we lost Indira there has been a hole in our hearts. Sean described it for Steph perfectly:
"Right now your grief is this giant gaping hole with sharp edges but as you move forward in life the edges soften and other beautiful things start to grow around it. Flowers and trees of experiences. The hole never goes away, but it becomes gentler and sort of a garden in your soul, a place you can visit when you want to be near your love."
Some days it feels like those edges are softening and on other days they sharpen themselves back up. Having Indira was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Still, there are days where I am angry, sad and depressed but visiting her memory is always worth it. Even though it is accompanied by so many raw feelings, the overwhelming one is love.
I don't really enjoy sharing my feelings, but I have learned through this process that sharing your grief lightens the load and helps people understand loss. It also gives people the ability to relate in some way to those who have gone through something terrible.
So there it is.
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| Perfect little feet. |
(I stole these beautiful posts from their Facebook posts.) This experience has definitely changed how I see other babies. I was in an elevator the next week just looking at a baby in a carrier and started crying. Nowadays I see babies that would be Indi's age and that little whole that she left in my heart when she took a piece of it with her aches with her absence. Especially little girls with brown eyes and dark hair. That's what I picture her to be like. It's getting better the more time that passes, but there are moments still where the grief consumes me.
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